Gay, Married, Or Dead
by m r s . w r i t i n g
Summary: Bella and Edward visit a local cafe. When Bella hears three women obsess over Edward, her posessive womanly intincts take over. What's her new reaction to ogling passerbys...


Gay, Married, or Dead

Edward led me to the back of the café where our favorite chairs were set, which was right next to the window. As I walked along his side, I noticed women and their gaze toward Edward. Their eyes were glued to him. I, of course, was used to it by now. When I found out that he absolutely hated it, I found it rather funny. I also began to find comfort when Edward dazzled them so badly that they ended up tipping over their coffees and not only did they ruin their "favorite blouse" but they made fools of themselves in front of Edward. One used it as a ploy to get Edward's attention. Just to annoy her, I made sure that I was the one to take the blame, hand her napkins, and try to help her with the blouse. Not only that, once they realized that Edward had no intention of helping and that I was the only one who "cared" they tried to discard me, telling me a little bleach could help. But I just "insisted" on giving them helpful hints on getting the stain out. "It was my fault after all," I insisted.

"You're evil," Edward stated once he realized my reaction had become routine.

"Deal with it," I remarked.

I sat on my side of the table in my comfy chair and tucked my feet under me while Edward made his way to the counter. He insisted on coming here and forcing down a cup of coffee. He was trying to be as human as possible for me, and I was thoroughly grateful, but still, after I realized that vampire regurgitate human food, I almost fainted. Edward only stated that with liquids it's easier to digest and keep down, and liquor helped immensely, but that still didn't keep the unease away.

I took a look at the line. I noticed Edward as well, at the end. He was standing casually, and patiently. But my daze was soon to come to an end once I came to hear the voices not to far away. "He must be gay," one said.

"No, he's probably married. There's no way he's gay. He stands so manly…so…hmm…" she ended in an approving moan. Was he food now? Being tasted and feasted upon by the entire female population. (Back! He's mine!)

I rolled my eyes. "Be nice girls!" a third stated. "He's with _her_…" I rolled my eyes yet again. Was I supposed to throw the coffee at her? Or was she going to do the pleasure of spilling it on herself, so I could focus the cream on her skirt!?

"How did she do it?" the second one asked.

"Yes, he's so well mannered…so well trained," the first one added. "I swear, if one were to open the door for me _and_ stand in a line like that to get me coffee, I would marry him."

_Guess what, I'm engaged…!_ I was growling inwardly in frustration.

"Either way, he's married. It can't be to her…." the third one added.

"I wonder what he's like?" the second one stated.

"Possibly artistic…" _Right_!

"Sweet…" _Right again_…

"Romantic…" _You're getting warmer…_

"Intelligent…" _Yes…_

"Well mannered…" _You're so close_…

One last quality… Then suddenly, a brown thing came into view in the corner of my eye. I looked up to see a woman in her forties, in a brown suit with a very ugly blouse under her tailored jacked sit in Edward's seat. She's my insulter!? _Edward's never liked older women… _"Dear, I couldn't help but noticed that charming young man you're with," she stated in a fake sugary tone. "They're so hard to find…"

I couldn't help it. Edward was now on his way beside us. I smirked to myself as I stared down at the magazine; I looked up, and closed the magazine casually. "I know," fawned. "They're gay, married, or dead? Right?"

Confusion was clear on her face.

"Oh, and don't plan on finding anyone like 'em either," I smiled kindly, killing her. "It take about a hundred years to make 'em like this…"

Venom dripped in my tone. I took my coffee from Edward, locked my arm with his, and left the café. "Thank you," he sighed.

"What?" I laughed. I half expected him to lecture me on how to play nice.

"I was afraid they were going to ask me if I had a brother…"

"Actually…." I said, stopping and turning back to the door. Alice and Rosalie would be more than happy to murder anyone after their men.

"Don't even think about it," Edward turned me back on my way with him to the Volvo.


End file.
